London Subway

London Pub

Mtsiliza children

Performing a dance for us

"one picture, one picture"

Alice, Chuchambuto, Chuseesee and Christina

Our walk to Mgwayi

Duck Duck Goose with our family


Our family's roof from the inside

Shucking the corn

Getting water from the well


Washing dishes

Mudding the ledge

Dancing and pictures

Church Choir

The question....

You tell people before you leave, "I can't wait to get back and tell you all about my trip." Everyone says, "It's going to be life changing!" You agree. How could it not? Then you return and the question is asked, "How was your trip?" You pause. You can't seem to find the words. You're not sure how to answer. So you say, "Amazing," but you're not sure if that is just the right thing to say or if that is how you feel. How do you explain it? How do you translate a two week trip in Africa living your life among a totally different culture? It's been two weeks today since I returned to the states. Africa feels so far away. I've wanted to write and share with everyone, but I needed some time to think about my experience; to process my thoughts. I know this trip will take more than two weeks to understand and to learn from, but let me try and explain how I experienced this trip thus far.

We flew into Washington DC at 8am Wednesday morning. After 13 hours in DC we flew to London! This was exciting! We had about three hours in the city. One hour was swallowed up by the underground subway. Then we ran around desperately trying to take pictures of all the sights. After an hour of running and snapping pictures, we realized we were moving so fast we weren't enjoying London at all. So we put our cameras away went into a nice pub and enjoyed some famous fish and chips! Next we were on our way to South Africa on a13 hour flight! After a short layover we took our last flight, 2 hours, to Malawi! We arrived on July 4th. We went straight to Mtsiliza, a village Children of the Nations (COTN) has been in for 10 years. As we drove into the village children everywhere threw their hands up in the air and yelled as loud as they could with excitement, usually screaming Azungu, meaning white person. Their faces lite up with smiles as they ran after our bus. I did not know what to think. There were sooo many children. As we got out of the bus children grab your hands and start shouting, "one picture, one picture!" I can still hear their little voices. The funny thing is they didn't understand what "one" meant. All they new was if they kept saying it they would have their picture taken. When you showed them their picture they just laughed. They quickly set up chairs for us and performed a few different dances and songs. We were not able to stay long as we had to make our way back to our compost to get set up and have dinner. The first day we had hamburgers! Wow, I remember thinking, “this isn't going to be too bad.” We were so naive. The compost was beautiful. Outside the compost everything was orange, and dry. The dirt there is clay so it has a red orange color. It was the middle of their dry season so everything was dead. However, when we pulled into the compost there was green grass, flowers and beautifully painted huts for us to sleep in. My hut had three bunk beds, so I was privileged to stay with five other wonderful women. We each had mosquito nets above our beds; however I only used it the last few nights. Since it was their winter (a very hot 70's during the day and a cold 30-40's at night) there weren't any bugs, well except spiders.

On Saturday we got to visit Mgwayi, which is the village behind our compost (about a 5 minute walk). COTN has been working with Mgwayi for about two years to explain to them their mission. We were the first team to go into their village, besides the interns who arrived a couple weeks before us. What an experience. Our team of 39 was split into six teams. My team was assigned a hut in the back of the village. We met our mother, Alice, and her three children Chuchambuto, Chuseesee, and the youngest Christina, who was three years old. She informed us that her husband was at work. Her younger sister's daughter, Angela also lived with her. We later found out that her first two children were from her first marriage. We also found out that Angela's parent's lived in the city, but had left her with her sister. We were never able to understand why. Their house was made of homemade bricks, which was made from the red dirt. Their roof had tree branches which went all the way across and was then covered in straw and other grass. The house had three small rooms. One was an empty open space used as a living room and the other two were used as bedrooms. However there were no beds, dressers, or any furniture. They had a couple of blankets which were provided by COTN. In the living room there were a couple pair of shoes hanging on the walls. On the outside of the house there were two ledges built out of mud which served as benches. Across from the house was another small room which served as the kitchen. On Saturday we got to know a little bit about our family. We had a translator there to help us communicate. There were a few other huts right next to ours so before we knew what hit us, we had about 20 kids circle around and listen to us talk. The children were covered in dirt, had no shoes, had snot dried on their face, had holes in their clothes, and many were very skinny or had swollen bellies. We asked our kids if they wanted to play a game, so we taught them Duck Duck Goose. They loved it. They are pretty quick learners! Then they taught us a couple of their songs and dances. They LOVE to sing and dance and that's an understatement. We taught them "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart" they really liked this song. We played London Bridges Falling Down, Red light green light, and jump the river. These kids sure can jump! They were hilarious to watch when they played London Bridges. They would all try to get caught, so we would have 10 children in between our arms! They also loved jump rope. They would make jump ropes out of straw and corn husks. This all took place before lunch!

After lunch when we returned to the village; the children met us on our walk. As soon as they saw us they took the all the stuff we were carrying and grabbed our hands. I have to admit, at first I thought, “they just took my stuff and I’m not going to see it again”, but then I learned that they just wanted to hold our hands and they refused to let us carry our own stuff. When we arrived to Alice's house we shucked corn with our family. They make a food called sima. They break off all the corn kernels drying them out on mats, then grinding them into a powder, drying the powder on mats and then adding water and mixing over heat until it becomes thick. They then make patties out of the mixture. This is sima. You break off a piece roll it into a ball and use it to pick up your food and eat it. It has very little taste but they love it. As we were shucking corn, the kids gathered around to help. I got the worst blister in my life on my thumb. The kids would see us struggling with getting the first corn pieces off the cob so they would take it out of our hands and do it in two seconds. Soon they just began to start a cob for us and then hand it to us. They would laugh so hard. They thought it was funny. They would also go through all our cobs and make sure we got every tiny piece of corn. Again laughing and pointing at the cob if they found corn on it. As we worked they would point to things and say what it was called in their language. If we didn't repeat it right they would make us say it again. It's so funny how everything we taught them they said perfectly; whereas there were many times I didn't even know how to make the sound they were saying. Next they took us to the well. It was a hole in the ground with a rope and bucket. We dropped the bucket into the hole, pulled it up and then poured it in our pot. Then we carried the pot on our head back to their house. The kids loved seeing us do their chores. They watched us so carefully with such amusement. They would say, "very good job" and give us a thumbs up. Their smiles were priceless! When we returned with our water we washed their dishes. They had one bar of soap and three very torn up rags. Their few dishes were cracked and looked like something from a play school kitchen. I'm not even sure how their cups held liquid. Next we mudded their benches. Every other week they mud the floor in their house and the walls outside the house. This is to keep it clean and to keep it solid. I would have never thought of rubbing mud on the floor to clean it. After laying the mud you use a smooth rock and you smooth out all the bumps. When we were done we sat down and talked to Alice. She told us she cooks sweet potatoes the way her mother taught her and then she sells them outside of her house. She also does cleaning and projects in people's homes to earn money. After a confusing discussion with the translators, we were informed that her husband collects herbs for the village witch doctor. Supposedly, it is taboo to work with witch doctor so she was not very open about his job. We asked Alice about her testimony. She stated that she believed in God and went to church and prayed for her family. Our translator stated that she must not have a relationship with Jesus Christ because it is understood when someone asks you about your testimony to share about your relationship with Christ. We asked Alice what she would like for us to pray for in regards to her and her family. She stated to pray for her families health and her business so she can provide for them.

Saturday night we were surprised with the information that we would be teaching Sunday school. My team was in charge of the teenagers. Sean and Melissa shared their testimony and teens taught us a great song. The song talks about how there is no one like Jesus. The church service was very different. The men and women sat on different sides and the children sat in a section all on their own, even little 2-year-olds. Each age group was asked to tell to the congregation what they learned in Sunday school. Talk about having to pay attention! Then each group was asked to come forward and sing one song. Well one song meant: one song on the way up to the front, one song in front, and one song walking back to their seats. Let's just say there was a lot of singing. What amazing voices they have. Every single person could sing. The preaching was done in English and Chichewa. There is no set end time for church. Church is over when you are done singing, dancing, preaching, and praying. At one point everyone dropped to their knees and started praying out loud. What an amazing experience. I think back home that would have freaked me out, but for some reason it felt right there. You could hear their cries to God. It reminded me of some of the prayers for the book of Psalms and Proverbs.

So up to this point this is what I was experiencing: Pretty much what you have read. I bet you're thinking, but I want to know what were your thoughts what were your emotions. Well, honestly I didn't have any emotions. That's right. It was the strangest feeling. I thought for sure when I saw these children my eyes would fill with tears and my heart would break. Actually, it was the opposite. I felt very little. At first it really concerned me. How can I see these beautiful children who have SO little and not feel a thing. Very little clothing, very little food, some with out parents, very minor shelter, no health care, some who didn't go to school. But do you know what I saw? I saw their smiles and their kindness and their gentleness. I saw how simple their lives looked. The first feeling I had was actually jealousy. They don't have to work hard to get into a good school, to get a good job, to have a nice house, car, computer, etc, to have a good income to raise a family, to compete, to think about the next bill. They don't even know to think about these things. Their life is living it one day at a time to meet those days needs. I know that doesn't sound like fun, but at the moment it seemed so desirable. I will come back to this.

After lunch on Sunday we went to Chitipi which is a home built by COTN for children who are "double orphaned." This means they have no parents or relatives to take care of them. When we arrived they were well dressed, clean, the appropriate size for their age and many of them spoke English. They sang to us many songs. Then about 6 children stood and told us their testimonies. They stated things like, "when I lived in my village I had very little. My mother died when I was 6 and my father died when I was 10. My grandparents tried to raise me but they were old and sick and they died too. I was hungry and had no food. Then COTN came and they took me in. Now I have a mother, brothers, sisters and aunties and uncles." The aunties and uncles are women and men who live at the home and help the "mom" take care of the children. Many of the other testimonies stated, "My mother died when I was 7 and my father abandoned me. I had no one to take care of me...." This was the first time my eyes had tears. As they told their story you could see the sadness in their eyes and body. But then when they told how COTN rescued them they smiled and made eye contact with their new family. They then sang a song about how God rescued them when the devil was trying to swallow them hole.

My thoughts: At that moment when my eyes were filled with tears I wasn't sure what my thoughts were. I know that I felt sad for those who had been abandoned by their own fathers. I know I was recognizing that these children are just that, they are children. They are living in poor disease stricken villages. They have very little and then what they did have was taken from them. They had no one to care for them. They had to walk around looking for food and begging. And then there were rescued. Now looking back I see they truly can understand what it means to be adopted sons and daughters of Christ! How often do I take for granted the blessings that surround me everyday? How often do we feed and clothe the poor? How often am I God's hands and feet? How often do I reach out and serve those who are less fortunate then me? The answer is not nearly enough!

Sunday night: My team gathered to discuss how we wanted to talk to Alice about her person relationship with Christ. We really felt led to share with her who Jesus was and that God loves her so much, she matters so much to God that he wants to spend now and eternity with her. We prayed about this and came up with some ideas.

Monday: On Monday we took the bus into the city. What a strange experience! The city had cars, small buildings, stores, markets, and more. It was strange to see something so civilized so close to these poor and underdeveloped villages. We were given 1500 Kwatcha to purchase food for our family. The list of food items were given to us in Chichewa so we had to ask the people in the market to help us find the items we needed. We bought wood, matches, salt, flour, lettuce, tomatoes, bananas, oranges, green peppers, onions, carrots, nut flour, these dried tiny fish and a live chicken! After lunch on Monday we returned to Alice's home. The children were there to meet us on our walk and this time they came out even further to greet us. Again grabbing our hands and walking with us. When we arrived at Alice's home we were surprised to meet Jason. We expected him to be at work. They were both very excited about the food and stared preparing it right away. I cut the lettuce and tomatoes, while a little boy cut the head off our chicken! (we have this on video!). We made relish, which tasted like spinach dip to me, chicken, sima, and they boiled the stinky dried fish in water. While the food was cooking we sang with the kids, of course. On Sunday we asked one of the translators to teach us two songs our family sang. When we started singing these songs the kids were so excited. They watched our lips move in disbelief that they we were singing their language. When the dinner was ready Jayson and Alice invited us into their house. We all sat around and shared the food. It is polite to try everything, but to only take a very small portion because this is more food then they have in a week. I pretty much just took a little bit of sima and dipped it in the dishes pretending to take a piece of food. I didn't really mind trying most of it, but there was no way I was going to eat those little fish, they just ate them whole! We asked Jayson how far he had to walk to go to work. He then told us he worked in the village fixing things. This may be true but he definitely did not mention anything about the witch doctor. Then I asked Alice what her church was like? Instead Jayson answered. He talked very briefly about Sunday school and that they were involved in a "fellowship" which is a bible study at different people's houses. When we asked him what they were learning he was very general and stated, “about Jesus and his birth and death.” Our translator informed us that she thought he was making this up and that he really didn't go to church as Alice had informed us. I asked him if he knew of Jesus' resurrection. He stated no. I asked if we could tell them a little bit about our church and about Jesus. They said yes. We talked a little bit about our church and then Chris shared his testimony. Chris explained that he used to believe in God and go to church but he didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus. Then his mother died unexpectedly and he almost lost his faith, but a friend brought him to church and showed him who Jesus truly is. He explained how he gave his life to Jesus and God helped him heal from the pain of his mother’s death. I then shared with them using the bridge diagram. I was planning on drawing it in the sand but we were in their house so I separated us into two sides on the room. I told them my side represented people, Americans, Malawians, all people. The other side of the room represented where God is. I told them God is perfect and we as humans are not perfect. Because we are not perfect we can not be with God or that would make him imperfect. They stated they understood. I told them space in between the two groups of people represented a space that is so big that nothing can bridge the gap between us and God. I told them there is nothing they can do to bridge the gap. Going to church, praying, taking care of others, giving of their money, nothing can bring them to God. But God loved them so much and He believes their lives truly matter that he gave His only son Jesus, who was perfect, to die on a cross in our place. Because he died for us he has bridged the gap between us and God with His cross. Now when God looks at us he sees perfect. I then explained that in order to be received by God you have to first ask Jesus to be your savior and Lord of your life. I asked them if they had any questions. Jayson looked at me and said, "I'm ready." I was a little thrown and asked our interpreter what he meant. She said he is ready to accept Christ. Then I asked Alice what she thought. She too said, "I am ready." We then explained that accepting Christ would not take away all their pain or problems but God would be there to walk them through it, to give them strength, comfort and wisdom like he did with Chris. They said they understood and then they prayed with us. Afterwards we encouraged them to tell their church. We told them their salvation could never be taken away, but it is wise to grow in their understanding of who Jesus is and to seek support and counsel from their church. Jayson smiled and said, "We will tell them our testimony!"

My thoughts: Let me start with saying, God is good! Then let me say I continued to feel nothing. I could not feel God. If you are a Christian you will know what I mean. As a Christian you have the Holy Spirit living in you to guide you, to give you wisdom, to break your heart as God's heart breaks, to feel joy in things that please him. Yet I did not feel it. I didn't feel the breaking heart in the village. I didn't feel the joy when his people came to know him. It was a very empty and isolated feeling. I prayed that night, "God please reveal yourself to me. I know you are here. Let me see you. Let me feel you. Why are you not revealing yourself to me?" I was frustrated. I was confused. I thought, “I'm all the way in Africa with out TV, internet or work. I'm surrounded by your beauty and yet I didn't feel God.”

Tuesday July 8th was our teams first day teaching the True Love Waits program. This program was designed to teach the teens, widows, and adults about HIV and AIDS. It encourages abstinence. Safe sex teachings do not work because they do not have the funds to purchase birth control or condoms and if they did they do not have the proper ways to store them. This program teaches to remain faithful in your marriage, to wait to have sex until marriage, and to teach your children the same. The program teaches that God loves you and you matter to God and he wants you to be free from this illness. My group of 6 was in charge of all the children along with another group. So Tuesday and Wednesday I spent my day covered in dirt playing soccer, netball, frisbee, dizzy bat, follow the leader, parachute games, coloring, jump roping, and of course dancing and singing. I can say they pretty much wore me out! They have sooo much energy. They loved drawing! They could have done just that all day. They also loved dizzy bat relay races. The teams which taught the program said that it went very well and the students had many good questions. On these days I took a nap at lunch and pretty much called it a night after dinner. I was so tired.

These two days were fun. The kids are so precious! They just gave so much love. They want to hold your hand, sit in your lap, carry your stuff, and they watch your lips with every word you say. They would meet us on our way to the village and they would walk us out. Every day they would walk with us further and further. My group fell in love with a couple different children. Two of those girls names were Naxoni and Esinat. We would walk and they would say all our names and their names. Then we would start over again. So we would say, "Aubrey, Christy, Katie, Naxoni, Esinat, Aubrey Christy, Katie, Naxoni, Esinat....." and then we would crack up laughing. It's amazing, without being able to share words how much we actually shared. Their smiles and excitement said so much. I began to really love these girls. I could spot them from a distance and they would come running. Esinat was 14 and Naxoni was probably about the same age.

On Thursday morning we drove 2 hours to go to Lake Malawi. We got a really late start because Malawi was out of gas and only one gas station had gas. This was the only time I felt scared. People were very pushy about getting their cars up to the gas pump. They do not form lines like we do; instead they sneak their way up and squeeze in front of others. At one point I saw one car bump into another just to get by. Well we made it in and we were able to fill up. Lake Malawi was gorgeous. It was so big it looked like the beach. It even had sand and waves. There were these huge rocks that we climbed. I never thought I would rock climb in a skirt. We had a fun relaxing day. For lunch the cooks from the COTN compost sent us with sandwiches. They were asked to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Well they took this literally and made us peanut butter or jelly sandwiches. So you got one or the other and the amount was like one tablespoon of either jelly or PB. Some of the interns with us bought fish from a fisherman and so they tired them to the windshield wipers for our two hour drive back! Plus on the way back we stopped at a Market for about an hour. I had $100, which was a ton of money in Kwatcha. My friend Danny walked around with me and helped me bargain. They increased their prices to 10 times their normal asking price for us white Americans. I got some fun gifts and decorations for my house.

Friday: We went to the Widows program at Mtsiliza. They sang and danced for us and with us. They also did a skit to show us what they learned from the True Love Waits program. They were so excited to make a commitment to teach their children by these principles and to agree to abstain. They each signed a contract and they were excited to hold it up for us to see.

Afterwards we came back to the compost and those of us who decided to sponsor children got to met with our child for lunch. I am sponsoring Esinat!! I couldn't wait to see her. I remember when I asked Pike (COTN staff) if she and another girl were available for sponsorship he said they were not registered because they were not in the village the day of registration. Later that day I asked him if there was anyway to get them registered. He said, "oh yes, after you left they both came up to me crying saying please register us!" So I got them registered and found out the other girl Zelous is Esinat's sister! Naxoni was already sponsored. Esinat and I played for a bit and then I asked her if she knew God. She told me yes and that she went to church. I asked her if she knew who Jesus was. She said, "no." I asked her if she had every learned about who he was. She said, "no." I honestly can say I was shocked. Her and her friends sing many songs about Jesus, yet she has no idea who he is! I told her the same things I told Alice's family. I told her I accepted Christ when I was 5. I asked her if she understood and if she had any questions. She said, "I want to receive the blessing you received when you were 5." Again I was shocked! I prayed with her and she repeated after me. She gave me a big hug afterwards. Then we went and talked with her friends. She told them what she had just done and they told her they were born again Christians also! I later found out that she lives with her dad who is Muslim. Her parents are divorced and her step father abuses her. They live in another village and go to a Christian church. I asked her what she worried about the most in her life in Mygwayi. She said, her step father hurting her. I pray that God protects his daughter! I have informed COTN and they are looking into this. I pray that she has been protected from HIV. After we talked we had lunch. I wish they could eat that well everyday! We had rice, sima, beef, peaces, carrots, and potatoes. She ate every bite! Then I gave her a gift bag. I have the best picture of her thanking me for a skirt I gave her. That is my favorite picture!

After our time with our kids we went back to Mtsliza to witness the feeding program. Each child brings a bowl or plate and receives a small portion of food. About a cup of rice and a piece of meat about the size of a 2”x2” square. Although this is not a lot it is more then they would ever have with out the program. Plus they eat three times a day, whereas the children in Mgwayi eat once or twice a day, usually with no meat.

My thoughts: This night I shared with my roomies my frustration with feeling nothing. My frustration with not feeling God. They had a lot of wisdom to offer; however I had a hard time hearing it at that time. They stated that this trip is not about me. Sometimes we come on these trips with the intent of it touching or moving us or bringing us closer to God. Well that is all good stuff, but this trip was not about me. It was about being Christ to the Malawian people. It was not about experiencing some "Christian high" it was about being fully present so I could clearly see what was going on around me. It was about learning what I needed to learn so I could come back and share with others how they can help. I heard all this yet my heart was still distressed because I felt alone and disconnected from God. I cried as I told them that it was such an uncomfortable feeling to lead people to Christ and to be excited intellectually but to feel very little in my heart and spirit.

Saturday was play day! A large group played a hardcore soccer game with the kids and adult men. My team was in charge of the women. We played net ball in the morning, which is a form of keep away. Wow they wore me out! They are tough women! Then we danced and sang for a long time! After lunch we brought tons of beads and string and they made necklaces and bracelets. They loved this! Then as they worked I read John 13 where Jesus washed his disciples feet. And he said, "If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto you, the servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him, If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." We then washed the women's hands with soap and water and then massaged their hands with lotions. They were very moved by this. We wanted to do both their hands and feet and paint their nails but there were too many women and we ran out of time.

My thoughts: On this day I was not feeling well I had a really sore throat, I was very tired, and I was congested. When I went to Mgwayi in the morning I prayed God please give me the strength to get through the first part of the day. When I came back for lunch I realized my symptoms had been completely gone while I ran around playing net ball....I realized this because as soon as I returned to the compost I was hit with feeling awful. Again on my way out after lunch I prayed and again God gave me the strength to get through the second half of the day without one ache or pain! Wow.

Sunday we left. The plane ride was miserable with a cold, but after flying from Malawi to South Africa (2 hours) to New York (18 hours!) to DC (1 hour) to Orlando (2 hours) we made it home!

My thoughts and lessons learned so far: As I stated in the beginning I'm still learning what God has to teach me from this trip. As I stated in the beginning, it was amazing! I realized how amazing it was after I returned home. It's only been two weeks and yet Africa feels so far away. It feels like it was yesterday and a year ago. It's a strange feeling. I miss living in community everyday. I miss spending my day when my full mission is to be God's hands and feet. What a thought. Why are my days here in America not driven by the same mission? How can I slow down and see each day as a day for the Lord? How can I slow down and focus on the important things in life: smiles, hand holding, songs, dancing, sharing life with out words, loving others unconditionally. These are God's passions. I want to make them mine! My friend and roommate Ann listened to me explain my frustrations with not "feeling" God. After acknowledging my frustration and stating she too would have been frustrated she said, "Aubrey God is not a feeling or emotion. Maybe God was showing you that although you could not feel him he was still able to work through you and walk with you." This was a huge moment for me! There have been so many times in my life when I think, "God I know you are there but I can't feel you." These times are usually short and when things are going well in my life. God answered me in Africa. He said, "Aubrey, my daughter, I am here. You may not feel me, but know I am walking with you. I am guiding you and I will use you to be my hands and feet to my children." God is not an emotion. He is not a feeling. He is with me always even until the end of the age. - Matthew 28: 20

When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:16-20